Ten years ago I qualified as an actuary. It’s one of those careers that even those who are doing it find it hard to explain what it is! A lot of people have never heard of it, some think it’s to do with bows and arrows and artuary….and others know that you need a whole heap of points in your leaving cert and that these mysterious people are very well paid!

Actuaries are the mathematicians behind the world of insurance. Statistics and probability play a big part…. trying to forecast when people will die or how long they will live for the purposes of putting a price on life assurance or pensions.

This morning I was thinking why did I ever study that. ….not to mention the years and years of study that now seem a waste! But every cloud has a silver lining and trying to look on the funny side this is what I’ve come up with

– At least I was in the life assurance industry….now I’m in the eternal life assurance industry!

– The computer software we used were called ‘Moses’ and ‘Prophet’. So God was having a good laugh giving me His version of prophet!

–  At 26 I was worried that I wasn’t putting away enough money for my retirement at 65. Now I have barely enough money to last a week and I never give retirement a second thought!

– As an actuary I was perplexed at how badly people wanted to live and yet all they did was groan about life being so miserable..

– As a ‘life assurance actuary’ I couldn’t help but feel I missed out on half the training. …sure i got the insurance bit, but what the hell was life about?

– As a business planning actuary I spent my time planning 30 years ahead….guess what my biggest challenge is as a Christian….living in the present!

– Life assurance is bloody expensive, Eternal life assurance is FREE!!

– God doesn’t pay well but His retirement plan is out of this world!

I’m out of wind. At times I do miss the big salary I had, the cool sports car, the automatic acceptance and status in society, the posh suits….but do I regret leaving? No, for how would I have a heart for the poor had I not experienced it myself, for the homeless, for the wanderers, for the sick, for the crazy folk, for the unemployed, for the dreamers  for the no-hopers…

And the Lord reminds me, my treasure is in my heart, my comfortable retirement is in the next life!

Following on from my previous post of recovery from illness, here is something else that God has allowed me to live through on the way…utter poverty.

Upon returning to Ireland after 7 years I had no source of income, and I was to find out that because I’d been away for so long I was entitled to nothing from the Irish state…..except maybe a certain benefit??!!

This is the last thing one needs to hear when unwell and not having money to do the smallest of things only adds to the sense of worthlessness. So anyway, long story short was that after 2 months I was able to face the forest of paperwork for the application process….Where was I habitually resident? Heaven!! Previous employer? God! Work contract? Matthew 10…..Not what they look for in these questions!

2 weeks later after filling in the forms and telling the 100th person about my situation I got a minimal amount of money as they waited to make the decision. I was caught  in a trap…I needed to move out of home for my ongoing recovery for which I needed money. ..but I didn’t qualify. Unless I lived in a squat or that my parents were druggies or that I was already homeless…I didn’t qualify for housing assistance either! I was to live at home…no consideration for any other issues.

I went to every officer possible here over the last few months, citizens information officers, welfare officera, doctors, social workers, political parties, housing authority, charities such as the samaritans and of course the Church.

On each one I fell right through the cracks, not fitting any of the schemes or boxes. It was agony, degrading going through my life story with so many people only to find that there was no real help unless I was to outright lie!

My faith kept me going.  I had been through the same thing years before in France and though not as extreme, also in Australia where I struggled so much financially. But my mind wandered to the poor soul that didn’t have faith,  how could the world be so cruel and unhelpful, is it any wonder that so many lose the battle to suicide I thought? I made the pain my offering, my intercession.

Though things continue to be tight financially, I now have enough to get by. I’m living on the very lowest source of income here in Ireland. I consider this a grace from God allowing me to better understand what it’s like to be on the edge in my home country. Ironically I still dress well, smile and I look young for my age. I reckon that nobody in a million years would guess what I have been through in life ! I’m undercover for the Lord!

My prayer today is for the poor, the unwell, those trying to get back on the horse after illness or whatever.

I thank God for the gift of faith that He has given me, for the grace of perseverence and the gift of hope. I thank Him also for those people who have helped me survive over the years, often like the poor widow who gave all she had though she couldn’t afford it!

Lord God, convert our hearts, convert our governments!

Today was a big day for me…

As some of you know, I returned to Ireland very unwell some 6 months ago. The spiritual side of my life got out of control and suicide became more and more tempting.

Good Friday I had to make an emergency trip home. 2 days before some dear friends packed me a suitcase….the rest of my things were given away to charity. Only if you have gone through this can you begin to understand the pain, the humiliation, the agony.

Some very close friends drove me to the airport…i was numb. I cried on that flight, those 38 hours of utter hell. I could have finished it all …i had the pills…why live? Had I not been through enough. The pain seemed too big, too great….i’d never be healed, God had left me, my friends gone, Church support gone.

I staggered off that plane in agony and was bed ridden for the next 3 weeks. My mother, though not perfect, kept me alive. I couldnt pray, demons visited me to taunt me, out of body experiences were daily at times taking hours to get back in. Suicide, suicide, suicide.. There is no other way.

Perhaps only my uncle knows the extent of it. My humuliation continued as I had to visit the psychistrist and pour out all the details of my life to him, spiritual and emotional. I felt utterly humiliated in front of family, friends and neighbours. It was 3 months before I left the house besides doctor visits.

As I visited the psychiatrist I thought thst surely he’d say I was nuts, I was schitziphrenic or psychotic and take me to hospital. Fear consumed me. But no, he believed in me, he didnt think any of those things. A glimmer of hope in the darkness.

3 months later Our Lady miraculously intervened and my strength and faith came back came back….Now over 2 months after that the doctor no longer wants to see me and has blessed me on my spiritual journey and my future.

And so I have once again started praying with people and doing God’s work. Bit by bit job opportunities are coming, I’m making friends slowly… It is not easy settling back to Ireland after 7 years, meeting old friends with their ‘perfect lives’, having almost no money…but yet grace keeps me from crumbling. …..i trust in Him and smile……it’s going to be ok!

All to say that the same Jesus is in you and if I can do it, being weakness itself, then so can you! Believe not in your own strength but in His. Mental illness can be healed, all is possible to God.

Please do pray as I continue to rebuild, it’s still hard, it’s very lonely at times, some people take longer to forget….but also join me in celebrating….I’m not sick, i’m spiritual, I’m well!