Soon after accepting that I was gay I had an experience of Jesus. Jesus showed me that He loved me, gay and all!

And so I went to talk to my uncle Thomas. Thomas was a very tall man, he was a model when he was younger and while some say I look a little like him, I have yet to win any beauty pagents!

Thomas never married and growing up we all knew that he was gay. Of course he never said it but some things don’t need to be said.

Thomas was also a very religious man and had told me a few years before of a dream he had where Jesus came to him. Like all gay people, he too had suffered an awful lot in his life and in his generation homosexuality was even more taboo.

Country Ireland is full of old bachelors who “never found the right woman” and who hang out in men’s toilets!

To be honest while some of these men can be dangerous, they are also to be pitied. They could never talk openly about their sexuality and shame drove them underground.

Sadly the Church had a big role to play in this!

And so when I experienced Jesus I went to talk to my uncle Thomas. He understood immediately. He too had had experiences of demons and Jesus had given him a charism in prayer.

Thomas was my rock and loved me and helped me and prayed with me more than any priest in any country.

He had a simple and yet iron faith!

There was only one problem. Thomas would tell me to keep away totally from gay people less I fall into sin!

I would for a while but each time lonliness would lead me back. Straight people can never fully know what it’s like to be gay!

Priests would advise me the same, to keep away from gays!

But keeping away from gays was like keeping away from myself and gave me so much depression and lonliness.

It was like gays were deemed to be dangerous predators and that there was nothing good about them!

Occasionally I used to sneak off to meet gay people and it was so freeing. It was an environment where I wasn’t judged and I must admit that I often had the most interesting conversations in gay bars and even sauna’s.

Yes of course there was a lot of sexual activity too but one is not obliged to participate.

As I got to know these guys I got healed myself. Seeing that there was more to them than their sexuality helped me understand that there was more to me than my sexuality! Seeing God’s love and mercy for them helped me understand His love and mercy for me!

Many times I saw a supernatural blue light of Our Lady as I wandered around these places!

However I lived in terrible fear! Fear of my uncle Thomas asking me where I’d been, fear of priests..

In 11 years travelling never once did I meet a priest with a heart to reach out to the gay community. Even the gay priests preferred to hide behind religious habits than open their hearts to their brothers!

Fear, fear and more fear is at the heart of it all. Fear of gays, fear of sin, fear of the church!

But catholic teaching teaches of 2 types of sins! One is by things you did deemed to be sinful such as masturbating and the other is the the things that you could have done but didn’t!

And so 99% of catholics seem to be so afraid of falling into sin that the same fear blocks them from reaching out to people who need love! Why are they not afraid of the sin of judging gay people and the sin of not loving and helping gay people?!

And so priests and others were so afraid that I’d fall into sin by mingling with the gays that they failed to see that it was in mingling with the gays that I’d get fully healed! Furthermore gay people needed to hear of God’s love for them, something I’m not sure I’ve ever heard mentioned in a Sunday sermon!

What’s more than that I’ve often found far more love and community among the gays than in religious houses where I’ve stayed over the years!

And so nowaday’s I meet gay people every day. They are the most wonderful people who have often had very difficult lives.

If I’m honest I know that I’ve reveived far more healing from them than they have from me!

So today is perhaps a good day for us all to open our hearts even wider to the gay community. Let’s not judge on people’s sexual activities but let’s love and break down the walls of prejudices in our hearts between ‘us and them’

How often in Church circles do I hear this statement in relation to gay people!

It is loaded with accusation, absent of mercy, compassion and any personal experience working with gay people!

The worst culprits are the people who themselves were away from God once upon a time, had some sort of experience of God and converted and now walk around thinking that they are better than everybody else forgettimg that without God’s intervention they could well be worse!

I am convinced that the pride of these people hurts Jesus more than all the other sins put together!

Going back to the title, do gays know what they are doing is wrong!

To say so suggests gays are not only wrong but they are also stupid and rebellious.

To the gay man or woman it feels perfectly natural and right to be with another of the same sex.

It would feel wrong and deceitful to pretend to like the opposite sex when one doesn’t.

Then comes the teaching of the church which by the way not everybody grew up with as the whole world isn’t catholic!

The church teaches against homosexual acts and not against loving someone of the same sex!

And so the average gay person growing up is utterly confused and often do not know who or what to listen to!

In their confusion they may talk to a priest. Talk to 10 different priests they’ll get 10 different answers!

So then they may try a quack! Same story, a hundred different theories!

And then one day they walk into a church upset and confused and they meet Sheila, Rosie and Thomas!

They have the misfortune to share their struggle and confusion and instead of being loved and listened to with compassion and understanding, they are accused, condemned, judged and expulsed!

Suicice among gay people is very high. Often because they have been pushed to it be self-righteous holy-joe’s instead of being adequately helped!

And so the real question is not whether or not gays know what they are doing but rather if those who judge them know what they are saying!

If you are gay then you will know what I mean by cuddles. If not you are about to learn and it may give u a better insight into the heart of gay people!

So what is “cuddles”?

Cuddles are exactly what the name suggests! Two people cuddling eachother!

Straight people do it too so it’s not exclusive to the gay world!

I first came accross cuddles when I accepted I was gay at about 25.

I grew up in a family without much affection and certainly not male affection. Touch from my dad was limited to him smacking me, ironically or prophetically often on the backside or ass for those of you unfamiliar with english!

So when I started meeting guys and going on some dates I was very surprised that some guys were not looking for sex, they were simply looking for a cuddle!

If i am honest I thought that this was pathetic. “Real” men didn’t behave like this, what a bunch of sissies!

Of course my image of men was largely limited to what I saw as a child. It went like this.

Say “fuck” as much as possible in every sentence! Real men do this. It’s a sign of being hard.

Never pass a comment on colours or what you like or not. Real men are not sensitive. Sensitivity is for girls and gays and we all knew that gays were filth.

Make as many comments as possible on girls boobs. Stare and drewl. The more of a man you are the more women you’ll screw.

Never express emotions, never cry and never say “I love you”.

So….as you can imagine a guy asking me for a cuddle did not fit in at all to this template!!

However over the years as I got more and more healing my heart softened and so often I craved a hug.

Priests and religious seemed to have come from the same school of masculinity as me and I’d have had a better chance of getting a hug from my dad as from them!

Eventually I met some charismatic priests and people and they were not affraid to hug. My stony heart began to melt and often I’d cry spontaneously as love entered where it was previously banned!

And so going back to cuddles! Us gay guys are real sensitive. Touch is a big thing for us as is giving and receiving affection!

Alex was the first gay guy I cuddled with. He too was catholic and all we did was cuddle. When I told my pentecostal friends and catholic mentor they told me that I was deceived by Satan. They cost me a major breakdown and yet maybe it was a major breakthrough!

Away from them and back in Ireland God showed me that guys can love guys without having sex with guys and that my need for male affection was normal!

He showed me that His plan for gay people was not that they should live alone starved of affection and intimacy but rather that they could live together and that their love would purify.

He showed me His crazy love for me and for gays and His sadness at how closed and cold so many church people are to us gays!

And so Jesus has taught me the art of hugging and cuddling and in expressing love in other ways besides lust.

Of course to some people this is “gay without the sex” because some people are hell bent on making gays straight.

But for anyone out there who is gay or who has a gay child, you may indeed understand this and know that God desires gays to live fulfilled lives too and to have some of the “life in abundance” promised in the scriptures!

So, if you meet a gay person today. Smile, give them a warm hug and tell them that God has a plan for them too!

Bless you all and if anybody is feeling generous some financial help would be much appreciated.

Mike

“It’s ok to be gay but you can’t practise is what a lot of christians will tell you”

To a gay guy this is like telling him that it is ok to get hungry but you’ll go to hell if you eat!

So many christians do not understand what it is like to be in a gay man’s head. From the security of their heterosexuality they often cast stones that condemn us gay guys before we even open our mouths!

At a talk I gave a while back I was crucified by a group of catholics for saying that I was happy being gay and that I didn’t want to become straight!

They began to quote the bible at me, a book that is more quoted than it is lived!

“A man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his spouse ..”

In other words a man will get married.

The problem is that some people read “a man” as “every man” and seem to think that only heterosexual people are on the way to heaven!

Then to make some space for the gays they say “it’s ok but you can’t practise”.

Now this sounds reasonable at the start until you live it. The majority of gay single catholic men I know are homophobic bigots.

I know because I was one. We were trained into judging and hating gays as if we were not gay and that we were somehow superiour!

“Ex gays” are often very intolerant mainly because they are emotionally frustrated and they often hide behind religion to soothe their lonliness.

However God made us for intimacy and for love and one of the biggest tricks of “modern” society has been to label everything as gay!

A boy that is gentle….is gay..

A boy who is sensitive is…gay…

If a man hugs a man…he is gay…

If a man tells another man that he loves him…he is gay…

Based on this twisted way of thinking, any expression of love from a man to another man is gay!

So, is love gay? Was Jesus gay?!

Is it any wonder the gay community is so sexual when they have been pretty much denied any other type of love.

Gay guys are sensitive guys. We need a lot of love and affection and yet often all we get is abuse and insults.

So what then is the answer for gay people?

Well from my own experience over the years the more I have prayed the more my attraction to men increased!

I did not get healed and made straight but I was given the grace to accept and embrace my love for men!

Ironically as I did this my feelings and love became more and more spiritual and my attraction to guys became more and more pure.

Of course some people would still call this gay because some cannot accept the fact that some guys like me are not and never will be attracted to women!

This type of attitude caused my a major breakdown 3 years ago all but costing me my life. My fundamentalist pentecostal friends could not accept or understand what God was doing in my soul and I did not have enough confidence or trust in myself at the time.

So you see, I have learnt the hard way and it has taken many years to break free from the rigid intolerant attitudes of traditional catholicism and to fully embrace and accept myself as a gay man who loves Jesus and who is loved by Jesus.

The gay community need God, we need an understanding, loving God who has a realistic plan for our lives taking our sexuality into account.

We need to be accepted and loved by the Church and helped to grow both humanly and spiritually.

And so today I say to myself and all; I am gay, I am happy, I am me and yes, God made me this way!

Have a gay day!!