Good morning world!

It’s Monday so either you jumped out of bed with enthusiasm or you pulled the sheets over your head and said “o no….I need coffee”!!

This morning I feel to write about weakness and the power of weakness.

I grew up in a culture where weakness was a source of shame. One had to be and should always be the ‘best’ and one should never share their weaknesses! Lie, even kill if you had to, but never be weak!!

I was good at this game and learnt how to be a success!!

But little did I know that in God’s eyes I was a disaster! I was emotionally shut down, I was cold, arrogant and very unhappy!

My weakness terrified me because I never heard how to deal with it!

But God gave me a saint as a mother. She was the most gentle, loving, self-giving mum I ever met and I was an extremely difficult son. I made her life hell and even I didn’t know why I was so desperately unhappy!

Only when she got sick did my life fall apart. Without me knowing it she had been keeping me together. She always prayed a lot and I was always her favourite. She saw past my bad moods and into my heart where I was lost. Words didn’t need to be exchanged, she got it!

Only when Jesus and Mary came to me did I begin to see that my gift was my weakness!

At the start I could only talk to Mary. I couldn’t possibly talk to Jesus, a man, about emotional stuff. Surely He’d laugh at me and call me a stupid gay!

Over time Mary brought me to Jesus. Many times I’d look at her and as I’d look at my own life and sins and weakness I’d think of Robbie William’s song and the line

“I am scum and I’m your son”

How Jesus and Mary could love me was beyond me, how they could give me extraordinary experiences baffled me, it took me years to accept that it was real and that God really had chosen me…..and yet how weak and fragile I was despite these graces baffled me more!

After 5 years my older brother whom I hadn’t seen snapped at me and said “you are still the same”!

I cried when I went to bed, not because he was wrong but because he was right!

Despite years of healing I still struggled to control my moods, I still struggled to accept my sexuality, I still struggled to accept my life and so yea, I was still the same!

More breakdowns followed as it all crushed me. The expectations of others was too great, my weaknesses seemed too big and too visible!

If they were like bad teeth, I’d go to the dentist and rip them all out and tomorrow I’d walk among everyone perfect!

But no, the process of spiritual transformation is so very slow and we can struggle with the same flaws for 50 years and even die with them in spite of a lifetime of prayer!

And so my friends, Jesus taught me another way, the way of weakness and as saint Paul put it to “boast of my weaknesses”.

I am emotionally one of the most fragile people you may ever meet, I cry so easily you couldn’t imagine, I am so extremely sensitive to other people’s pain that at times I have to run away because I can’t handle it.

At times it all gets to me and I am grumpy and irritable and sharp tongued and the total opposite of what you may expect from somebody so ‘holy’.

One could spell ‘holy’ two different ways ; ‘hole-y’ and ‘whole-y’.

The latter suggests being ‘whole’ and healthy. The first suggests having a ‘hole’ in one’s heart and being broken…….this one is me!

And so folks please don’t be deceived. Despite years of prayer and healing I am still ‘holey’ and weak. If I have hurt you or disappointed you by my behaviour or at times by what I write I am sorry, please don’t expect too much from me and may God give you the grace to see me as your little brother who is doing his best despite his staggering weakness and sensitivity.

Thank you all for your love, your patience and your support and pray that one day I can be ‘wholey’ rather than ‘holey!

Please continue to help me and put up with me and don’t take me too seriously if I let you down and I promise to do my best to continue to grow in love and prayer and humility.

Love you all, pray for me.