Hello fellow children of God!
And despite the rain what a wonderful morning it is and even the rain is sort of cool !
This morning my mind casts back to France! 11 years ago Jesus told me to go to France. I quit my job and put all my things into my volvo C30
The burning question for everybody was “how do you know it’s Jesus”?
People told me it could be Satan coming as Jesus like he has done to many a person like me.
The person the most worried was the person who loved me the most, my mum. She was absolutely terrified and convinced I had some sort of mental illness!
To be honest I was terrified myself too. Just because I had gone spiritual didn’t mean I had suddenly gone stupid and I was fully lucid and aware of the risks and what I was doing!
I drove 1400 kilometres to the south of France to ‘Toulon’. This is where Jesus told me to go.
On arrival I could find no accommodation as there was a festival on. I felt totally lost and worried. This is when my good friend Padre Pio began to come to me. He’d smile and the compulsion of panic, sex and suicide would go and my peace would return!
Eventually I found a room in a nearby Town, ‘Hyères les Palmiers’.
I stayed for 10 days in a hotel as Jesus tested me. That was one of the most difficult 10 days of my life.
After 10 or so days I heard a voice telling me to open the Bible. I opened it on Matthew 6
“26 look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was notarrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will Henot much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 Butseek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.“
A supernatutal heat came over me as the Spirit of God burned these words into my psyche!
Excited as a child and trying to relieve my worried mother I called Ireland!
“Mam, it’s ok, I know you are worried but now I have proof”
I continued to read her the Bible!!
If she thought that I was unwell before, after that call she thought that I was completely insane!
I cried as I desperately wanted to share my new happiness and life with my poor mum!
The following Sunday the local priest invited me for a coffee. We met on Tuesday morning I think!
I was super excited! Finally a “man of the cloth” to share and pray with. It was going to be great and indeed it was until he asked me if I was on any medication!
My heart sank so much and none of you can imagine the tears of loneliness and fear I cried that evening. It seemed like I was safe nowhere and evil spirits took full advantage of it as they circled my head and night and attacked me in dreams, visions, migraines etc.
“Kill yourself, nobody will believe you, not even the priests” they’d scream.
However, one man did believe me, my super uncle Thomas. I must have rang him 1000 times when I was on the brink.
And so my journey continued.
Once as I stood in front of a statue of Our Lady she began to smile on me and I felt a holy peace. Immediately after something changed and although I still saw her face, I was aware that it was not her looking at me anymore. In my heart the peace left and I felt fear and hate. I said the name ‘Jesus’ and immediately the life-size statue transformed in front of me into a tall demonic figure dressed in black with a number of snakes coming out of it’s head as a crown!
Yet I felt protected and understood that Our Lady was teaching me.
At the time a priest was helping me as a spiritual director but sadly he had no real interest. Very few priests want to get involved with souls like me!
We are too weird, too controversial and often what we are living is outside of their experience!
That said, I have had some excellent directors too and the best ones were the simple ones who just listened, loved, didn’t try to understand too much and simply taught me to trust in Jesus. The power of simplicity!
And so after 11 years of it now I still get asked the same questions:
‘How do you know it’s Jesus?’
‘have you a spiritual director’
The questions are always asked out of love. Yet it can be frustrating!
I can’t prove to any of you that it’s Jesus and no matter what spiritual director I have, some of you wouldn’t agree with him either and would tell me to get another one!
And so I have accepted this cross of being doubted and misunderstood and see it as part of my life and testimony.
Yet, putting my story aside it is important not to let go of the truth!
Jesus is real, the sacraments are real and yes, Satan and demons are also very real which is why we are all called to a life of prayer and holiness to the best of our ability!
Have a holy and prayerful day and let us pray for those souls stuck in lives of darkness that they may be touched by the Spirit and brought into the light!