Toni’s Story

May God bless whoever reads this and open your mind and heart to the love of God for the unusual ones.

My name is Toni. We all have things in our life that happen and change it completely. Mine was the conversion I had in October of 2018. Similarly to st Paul I was very loud to condemn Christians especially the clergy.

My whole life I had a burning passion for justice and love in my heart which only elevated in 2011 when my best friend came out to me saying he loved men. We were both children at that time (fifteen) and I had to come out too as he’s known me as his best female friend. I was his best friend indeed but not female and at the time both of us decided to be honest with ourselves and each other life became a little brighter in some places and a lot darker in other.

I had a privilege of not hearing anything about transgender people in that strictly catholic country because their mouths were full of hatred for homosexuals.

That’s about the time the hypocrisy of Christians was undeniable and whatever God they were talking about wasn’t the God of love I was used to hearing about.

For the next two years I was at the loss. Love was fading from the world at a rapid stage, God for little Toni became a fairytale of perfect love and the only other way to access what my soul craved was through the love of friends while incredibly high on different kinds of drugs and boyfriends since the realisation of my gender identity never changed the love I had for male population. However God never forgot about little Toni that was so passionate to defend the glory of Jesus in the drunken nights when religion was on the schedule.

That’s about the time I had to come clean about who I am to my mother whose reaction was to take me to a psychiatrist because obviously something was wrong with my head. When that didn’t work she took me to two priests and a retreat. That retreat was the best thing that happened to me then because it was the first time I felt Gods acceptance for who I knew I was and His green light to have my physical transition.

The lack of education and guidance in the Catholic Church lead to me not knowing you could develop your relationship with God, i was never taught about prayer with the heart, adoration or the importance of the sacraments.

I was seventeen at the time and the louder I was with my catholic family about the acceptance of God the bigger demonic attacks were on me. At nineteen I self harmed more than ever before ending up in an ambulance and with stitches both outside my hand and on my muscle.

At twenty I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where I was hospitalised for five months celebrating my twenty-first birthday in the psychotherapy ward with a few good friends I made along the way.

Drug use never ceased since it was the only way to get my anger issues under control even with eleven pills a day to keep me stable and functioning.

Depression took toll on my enthusiasm about the love of God, it was too difficult to believe it at that point.

When I was contemplating my suicide in the autumn of 2018 I gave my last effort in love arranging a coffee date with an Irish man. His name being Michael, and I did always adore angels so st Michael was no stranger to my childlike heart of a strong angel fighting for Gods justice.

Somehow I told Michael my whole life story an he decided to pray a healing prayer over me.

That was the first time in a lot to come that God used Michael to give me the grace to continue on living and fighting for the cause that was part of me ever since I can remember.

So that’s how I came to give up everything I had planned to follow Jesus with Michael and Seamus my beloved brothers and best friends.

If you’re trans or would just like to know more please get in contact , I would be more than happy to share more of what I have learned since falling from that horse!

God bless you all.